Here And Now: One Year Out.

I’m sure I’ve told the dorm room story of last year.  I feel like I definitely have.  I feel like I’ve talked about the time my roommates and I were smoking on the balcony, huddled up in blankets because Minnesota winters are freaking cold, when Chase asked me what name I would pick.  I feel like I’ve talked about how I finally said I’m a boy, and instead of people freaking out, they asked me what episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race we were on.  As if I didn’t just admit the biggest secret I had.

I can’t believe this was a year ago.  I can’t believe that it has been a year, because it feels like it was another lifetime ago.  At the same time, I can’t believe that it has been a year, because there were times I didn’t think I would ever make it.

And things still aren’t perfect.  But I’m doing the best I can.  It’s hard being a a man when so many people don’t agree with it, but I’m doing the best I can.  Case in point, my Dad met Theo last night when he came over to take me to schedule my surgery.

And my Dad played the this-isn’t-real-this-doesn’t-exist-card. He does this with my sexual orientation and gender identity.  He pretends it doesn’t exist.  But my Mom is trying and she’s talking to Theo and I but I feel like my stomach is going to fall out of my butt.  I feel like screaming at my Dad that it’s okay that he treats me like this, but he doesn’t even want to get to know someone who is so amazing just because life dealt us different cards than he would have liked.  And that is not okay with me.

But I sit there and I am still so damn glad because I have someone that understands what I’m going through.  Because I didn’t think I would ever have someone that got it.  And I’m so damn lucky.

And he’s there when I tell my parents that I’m dropping out for this semester.  They weren’t exactly throwing me a party, but it was nice that he was there.  And I know that there’s the argument that I’ll never be able to afford to transition if I don’t have a college degree.  But I’m not saying I’m not coming back.  Because I am.  I just can’t afford to take a month off school in the middle of the semester and pass my classes.

And maybe college isn’t right for me, just like being a girl wasn’t right for me.  This is my life.  And I’m going to live it on my terms.  Transition included.

Image

 

This was me exactly one year ago.  

That Boyfriend Thing, and Some Health Issues.

Hey everyone.  Happy Tuesday.  It’s a Happy Tuesday because I get to see my boyfriend today.  Yes, you read that right.  Blake has a boyfriend, as of last Sunday.  You might be wondering how the hell that happened, so it’s time for story time with Blake.

I met this guy.  And we started talking about books and Disney movies and he lives an hour away from me.  So we went out to see a movie and then we went to dinner.  We are both trans*.  And you know what, it’s really amazing.  We haven’t been together long, but I’m really glad he is in my life.

He’s just a wonderful person, and I don’t have to explain things, or say, I’m feeling dysphoric, please stop doing X Y Z.  We understand each other.  Then last Tuesday we went to the park.  For 6 Hours.  Because books.

He understands me, and I understand him.  I don’t have to hide things.  I don’t have to compartmentalize parts of my life, or pretend to be someone I’m not.

But now to the less fun things.  I have to have my gallbladder taken out, as well as my remaining ovary.  I schedule surgery on Monday, and get incompletes in my classes, or withdraw.

I’m going to be another semester behind in school.  But as Confucius has said, it does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.  Wise words, Confucius, wise words.  I feel like that is true for my life and my transition as well.  I’m still not on hormones and Tuesday is my one year out.  But I was talking to Theo about being bummed about surgery and maybe dropping out of college, and he told me the universe is infinitely wise.  So things happen for a reason.  And I’m going to have to be okay with them, because I’d rather be getting healthy than trying to go to classes and doing poorly because I’m sick.

Quick Update.

I haven’t written in a while.  My transition is on hold, yet I’m still living as a man.  What I mean by that is I got some upsetting news and basically my body cannot handle the changes testosterone would give me because my body is still healing from what it went through last year.

I had hoped to leave that in 2012, but it looks like I’m not.  It is what it is.  Still call me Blake, still use masculine pronouns, but I’m not able to get on hormones at this time.  That doesn’t mean that I will never be able to get on hormones, but that I can’t right now.

I’m a little bummed, but at the same time, I’m not.  I mean, my health is the number one important thing, and hormones aren’t what makes you your gender.  They just help you express that gender, if that makes sense.

My one year out is in a few weeks.  I’m having a few friends over.  I’m looking forward to the future.  There will be a day when I feel more comfortable in my body.  I’m already more comfortable.  I will never forget where I was a year ago, pacing my dorm room because holy shit I am a man and what do I do and how will people react?  I will never forget the feeling when my Mom told me to carry on my wayward son.

I’m not exactly sick again, but they’re doing more tests.  Hormones are out of the question for right now, but you know, happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.

I’m not going to sit in the dark all sad because sometimes things don’t turn out how they expected.

That being said, I hope all of you are doing wonderful, and taking care of yourselves.

Speak soon,

Blake