Before I Graduate.

I’m not moving out in August.  I am moving out a year from August.  I’m kind of upset.  But I’m staying at this college until I have my degree because I don’t want to transfer again and lose credits because they like to do that.

So, I’m staying here and I’m going to be working and studying my butt off to get it done and I’m so close to having a 3.0 GPA so if I can do all of this I will be a happy boy.

  • Work at target.  Save money to move.
  • Name change before graduation.
  • Take 15 credits a semester.
  • Take summer classes.
  • Get a 3.0

It’s doable.  It won’t exactly be fun, but then I will be done with school and I’ll have my A.A and I can move on with my life and maybe leave North Carolina.  If I can’t leave, it’s not the end of the world.  I’m glad I’m here, but I don’t want to stay here, if you know what I mean.

My Mom is kind of upset that I’m going to try to change my name before graduation.  I don’t want my diploma to have my birth name.  It will just make things more difficult when I’m legally male and everything.  But she’s upset because she gave me that name.  To be honest, it’s another reason I want to move out.  I know it upsets them when I talk about my name change, or whatever, because it’s another reminder that I’m not who they thought I was.  But honestly, I’m okay.  I’m doing okay. I can live here for another year and graduate and work hard and it will all be worth it.  So dear universe, if you could just do me the favour of letting me legally change my name by next year, that would be fantastic.

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible…it’s yours.”

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Days 6 and 7.

I’ve been busy, kind of, and didn’t update for 2 days.  So I’m lumping days 6 and 7 together and then I will try to update once a week unless there are major milestones or whatever.  

Day 6.

I cleaned a bunch of stuff out of my room.  More old clothes.  More pictures of things that I don’t need to hold onto anymore.  I also did the I get to see my boyfriend dance in the kitchen at 11pm and sang a song I made up about ice cream to my cat.  T makes you more energetic.  I know I’ve said that before, but Theo had been busy with shows, and I had my job interview, so the timing had been awful and I didn’t get to see him for almost two weeks so I did the I get to see my boyfriend dance.  My Dad asked me if I’m on heroine because I was happy and making up a song for my cat.  I am not on heroine, but I am happy.

Day 7.

One whole week, and officially the start of the college’s spring break. I woke up at 8am and hopped in the shower, drove over to pick up Theo, and we came back to my house to hang out all day.  It was haircut day for him.  This part makes me laugh, because we were joking that you know you and your boyfriend are trans* when a major part of date day is getting hair cuts.  I didn’t cut my hair because last time I cut it, my Mom and Dad were upset.  THERE WAS HALF AN INCH OF HAIR.  THAT ISN’T SHAVED.  So we left mine to grow out a little bit longer.  Technically the hair clippers were his birthday present, but they were for both of us, and both of us had to tell our parents that it was the other ones set.  We keep the hair clippers in my bathroom because my Mom knows that Theo’s Mom isn’t on board with it as much as my Mom is.  For instance, his Mom calls me Blake, but won’t use my pgps.  She will say she/her because if she calls me a man, she has to call Theo a man.  We also had to have the discussion today of what to do if I’m allowed to go to his birthday dinner.  What name and pronouns do I use with Theo when we are at dinner?

Like, we had dinner at my house tonight with my parents, and he tried not to use my name/pronouns because he didn’t want to upset my Dad.  All I can say is, it’s nice to have someone understand this issue and even though it sucks, it’s nice not to go through it alone.

After our haircuts, we sat in my room watching Chicago and talking and just spent the day together watching movies and he gave me a new book to read.  Date boys who read.  Date boys that don’t think it’s boring to spend 6 hours with you at the park reading a book with you.  Date boys that find copies of Jane Austen’s Persuasion in your bed and ask you what part you were at when you fell asleep.  

Date boys who are just as excited as you are when you are both singing in the car to Maroon 5’s  She Will Be Loved and your voice actually cracks when you try to sing the high note.  It’s the first time my voice cracked.  I was so happy I wanted to jump up and down, but that’s hard to do when driving a manual, and I didn’t want to cause an accident.

Oh, and we were talking about our first date in February today, because we were talking about books, and I said the last time I read Harry Potter was October and I should read it again and he said he hadn’t read it in a while and I said I get so upset half the time though because all my favourite characters die and he said story of my life.  So I said remember how you and I went to dinner on our first date and I was near tears in the middle of it because Sirius Black died?  I thought I ruined everything by getting emotional over it and you said that it happens to you all the time.  So it was funny to think about.  I actually almost cried on our first date over a fictional character, and among all my other issues, like my gender, and my changes, he understood me.  

So really, it was funny and a great day and I’m going to get up early because we are going to go get him some stuff for the summer shows for his tech crew and probably are going to the park to go read because I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to see him on his birthday on Wednesday.  But I might be going out to dinner with him and his mother and I’m kind of nervous, but he makes me really happy.  Friday we are hopefully going to Greensboro to see his best friend Eli, whom I’ve met twice, and Eli’s girlfriend and the four of us are going to celebrate his birthday, me having surgery, and me being on T. So, massive celebration if we get to go.

It’s been an emotional week, but I’m insanely happy.   I don’t know when I’ll write again, probably next Monday.  But we’ll see what happens.

Day 5.

I’m going to do an update every day for the first week, and then I’ll probably go to once a week on how I’m feeling, or updating with milestones or what not.  Plus I start working on the 9th of April, and I have a month left of the spring term, so I won’t be updating every single day, which is fine, because honestly, my life is not that interesting.

Well, my Dad is throwing a fit, because he just found out about me being on T.  He knew that I was going to go on it, and he knew that I didn’t make hormones on my own anymore.  He knew I was moving forward with things, just not when.  He told me he didn’t want to know, and he would just figure it out when I started noticeably changing.

Well, my Mom was in the kitchen and my Dad was busy doing something else, so she yells for me to come help her open up this jar and says let’s see if your T has made you stronger yet.  I was able to open the jar, even though it was really difficult, and I yelled huzzah testosterone.

My Mom asked me if I had done my own laundry so she could do theirs since I have to wash my clothes separately because I’m on the gel and if you mix them, you can pick up hormones.  Also, no one should touch my thighs.  The amount you would pick up is small, but people have had elevated levels from contact with clothes, so I told my Mom this.  Plus, I have no problem doing my own laundry, but just don’t be nice and try to do my laundry for me, or mix ours together.

Well, my Dad isn’t speaking to me.   We’ve had this conversation I don’t know how many times in the last year.  He knows I’m doing this.  He refuses to call me Blake.  He refuses to see me as a man.  He refuses to accept that I’m going on hormones, which reminds me of the day I came out to them.

It was the one time they came to visit me at college last year.  I remember playing this song and pacing my dorm room before I saw them.  I knew it was not going to be easy.  And I’m so glad my Mom has decided it’s okay.  I remember my Dad crying.  I remember him hugging me and saying if I grew out my hair he’d take me to get a beer this summer and to please not be the kid that jumps off a bridge (this was at the height of all the LGBT teen/college kid suicides).  This was before we knew I was sick and I had to medically withdraw from the college.  But anyway, I remember playing this song and it will probably always sum up how I feel about my Dad’s relationship with me.  

Oh, dear mother, I love you
I’m sorry, I wasn’t good enough
Dear father, forgive me
‘Cause in your eyes, I just never added up
In my heart I know I failed you, but you left me here alone

If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain?
‘Cause I remember everything.
If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets?
‘Cause I remember everything.

Oh, dear brother, just don’t hate me
For never standing by you or being by your side
Dear sister, please don’t blame me
I only did what I thought was truly right
It’s a long and lonely road, when you know you walk alone

If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain?
‘Cause I remember everything.
If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets?
‘Cause I remember everything.

 
I feel like running away
I’m still so far from home
You say that I’ll never change
But what the f**k do you know?
I’ll burn it all to the ground before I let you in
Please forgive me, I can’t forgive you now.
I remember everything.

If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain?
‘Cause I remember everything.
If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets?
‘Cause I remember everything.

It all went by so fast;
I still can’t change the past
I always will remember everything
If we could start again,
Would that have changed the end?
We remember everything, everything.
 
The thing is, I will never have a kid biologically.  I don’t understand what it’s like to have a kid, and think that for 21 years, they were this gender, and this person.  I don’t understand that part.  I will never understand that part, most likely.  But the last time we had this conversation, my Dad said something like, hey well, there were no signs.  At this point, I can’t even eat dinner, but I’m just sitting there dumbfounded.  But then I remember what my gender therapist has said.  It took me 21 years to be able to process it.  He needs time.  My Mom turns to my Dad and says, I’ve known since Blake was a toddler.  She just didn’t think I would ever do anything about it.
 
I was always more comfortable in masculine roles.  I would ask my Mom to cut my hair short all the time.  I didn’t like dresses.  I liked fishing with my Dad.  I liked playing T ball. I liked swimming until I started developing.  I didn’t like things that are traditionally for little girls as much as I liked doing guy things, but I still would do girl things.  For instance, I love baking, and knitting.  I do things because I like them, not because of what my gender is.
 
My Mom remembered when I was 13 and in 7th grade and I was going out to see a movie with some friends, one of them was a boy.  I had a healthy mix of boys and girls as friends, and it was in the middle of the summer.  I wore boy shorts, boxers underneath, which no one knew I had, and a guys t-shirt.  My Mom made me change.  She also put makeup on me.  I got into my friends car visibly uncomfortable.  As soon as we got to the mall where the movie theatre was, I ran into the bathroom and washed the makeup off.  But I sat in the movies uncomfortable in my girl clothes.
 
I remember going to formal dances and the shopping being a nightmare.  I cried more than once.  My Mom remembers this because she was there for it.  My Dad never took me dress shopping.
 
My point is, I’ve always been this way.  I’ve gone through periods where I grew my hair out, or put on makeup, in an effort to be happier.  I’ve also noticed that when I did those things, when I tried to live a lie, they were the most miserable times of my life.
 
I’m still moving forward with things.  I know my Dad is upset with me.  Hopefully when I move to Greensboro in August, the two hours away from him will be good.  I can transition without him throwing a fit about it.

Spring Break.

Well, today is day number 4 on Testosterone.  I’m feeling pretty good.  A lot of the things they warned you about are true.  Like, being more emotional, being more energetic, and I can still feel it in my throat, but my voice has not dropped.

I’ve been on spring break since Monday, but I got a full time job on Wednesday, so I’ll be cashiering at Target but I don’t start until the 9th of April, so I get to spend actual spring break with my boyfriend.  He’s been busy with shows for theatre, but I’m seeing him on Monday and on his birthday and spending the week with him during the day when he’s not working shows at night.

My Mom asked me if I wanted to go to Orlando since we have booked the Harry Potter trip 5 times now.  I said no.  When I go, I want to go without surgery marks holding me back.  If I went now, I would not be able to really enjoy it or participate, so I’m waiting until the summer.  Plus, it’s my boyfriends birthday this week, so I’d rather be with him.  It doesn’t feel like a bad choice, though. 

We are both trying to get up to Virginia in May for the American Shakespeare Festival, because he went last year and wants to take me because it’s incredible.  So here is hoping I get the funds and the time off work.

Health wise, I am doing so much better.  I just wasn’t meant to be a woman, and my body knew it.  I feel the way I should have felt in July if the doctors would have listened to me. But I can’t complain, because if I had never had a tumor, I would have never moved out here and realised that I need to be an English major.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason.

Day 2.

I swear, my voice is already getting deeper.  Like how it feels when you have a cold.  But I know it probably doesn’t sound different but I want to call everyone I know and ask them if they can hear my voice dropping but no, that’s weird, Blake, and it hasn’t even been a full day yet, calm down.  But I feel my body changing.  I guess we’ll see when my Dad gets home what happens.

I had the most passive agressive conversation with my Mom last night though.  She’s in LA. So I texted her the news.

Me:  So, I started T today.  I thought you should know.  I haven’t told Dad yet.

My Mom:  Okay.  How do you feel?

Me:  I feel incredible.

My Mom:  Okay are you still doing the three months on three months off so you can see how you feel without it?

Me:  I don’t want to get off T.  Ever.  For the first time in my life, and at least for the last 13 months, I feel like my body feels manly.

 

I feel more energetic.  I feel it in my arms and my legs.  I feel it in my face and throat.  I’m so hopeful for the future.  I wonder how I will feel in 13 months. I wonder how things are going to go when I move to Greensboro.  I’ve been applying to universities there.  I know that things aren’t always going to be easy.  But I’m going to take this life and make it mine and own it and keep going.  I feel really good about things.

Caged Birds.

I wrote a poem for creative writing.  We had critique tonight.  Everyone absolutely loved it, and I am so humbled.  I think it’s appropriate that it was critiqued tonight and I started T today.  Here it is.

 

They lock you up

They take pieces of you

Inch by inch

Try to force you

Into silence

Into willful captivity

 

Caged birds cannot fly

But they can still sing

Do not let your song be silenced

Day 1.

Today I started testosterone.  I rubbed the gel on my arm about an hour ago and I can already feel it.  Today I finally started, after 13 months, after being told that I couldn’t.  I have finally taken the first step, not including my hysterectomy.  I am so excited to finally start feeling the changes.  I can’t help but wonder how quick it will be for my voice to start changing.  I also wonder how my family is going to start reacting.

But I feel really good.  I feel like doing pushups.  I feel so happy because I’ve finally started and I’m not letting anything hold me back.