One Month On T.

Hey everyone.  Happy Tuesday.  Yesterday was one month on T.  I celebrated by going to my writing class, and also buying some new equipment for going to the bathroom like a man.  So, fun times.  I haven’t gotten it yet, but I’ll have to practice in the shower and my boyfriend has one and said that it’s kind of hard to get used to, but I have one on the way.   Hopefully this time my parents won’t be home when I get this package.

Did I tell this story?  I don’t know if I did.  Well, I bought my first packer, and I was really excited.  This was in January.  Well, I tried to set it up to where I would be home to get it.  It was supposed to be there on a Thursday since I only had once class.  This was back when I was taking 13 credits, and right before they found out my issues so I needed surgery, but we didn’t know it yet.  Anyway, it came on a Friday.  I had class at noon.  I got home to find my very upset father because he didn’t realise that the package was mine, and he opened it, and there was my packer on the counter for the world to see.

So, this time, it should be here soon, but my Dad is still in Colorado, and my Mom isn’t that freaked out about it.  She knows I have this packer.  But the new one I’m excited because I can actually use it while going to the bathroom.  The one I have now is just for looks. So, I will have to learn how to use the bathroom standing up, but that’s one adventure I’m excited to go on.

So, it’s been a good first month.  We’ll see what happens when I go another month.

I am NOT a Sissy Boy.

Let me start off by saying that I love my Mom.  She brought me into the world.  She rescued me when I needed rescuing.  But, she does some things that are not okay and because I love her, I call her out on it.  Just like when she calls me out on things when I’m being a butthead.

And I thought, most people don’t know that this is not okay, either, so I thought I would share.

Because it isn’t okay.  So yesterday, my Mom and I were building a gazebo, but my knee was hurting because, like the klutz I am, I tripped and fell playing mini golf with my boyfriend this week and I already have tendinitis from playing rugby.  So, not a good thing.  I told her I wanted to be done because I know my body has limits.  She called me a sissy boy and told me that I’m on T so it should be no problem for me to keep working.

I should point out that tomorrow is weeks 3 on T and also, my voice is noticeably cracking, and on a regular basis.  And each time it does, I grin like the very happy man that I am.  Because I’m going through changes, and it’s all very exciting.

But I told her that I’m not a sissy boy just because I don’t meet her expectations on what a man is 24/7.  I haven’t really ever been feminine, even when I tried.   But that doesn’t make me a sissy.  I was also really frustrated because the entire time we were building said gazebo she was calling me Trish and using she’s/her’s and I was getting to that level, and I know I was getting to that level.  T makes some emotions more intense and I told her that.  This is one of the reasons my therapist thinks I should move out.  So I kind of yelled that my name is Blake and I know you are trying, but stop misgendering me and please stop calling me a sissy because I’m not.  Oh, and my voice cracked.  So my Mom said that she can tell that I’m changing and my Dad is going to figure it out soon, and what are we going to do when her homophobic/transphobic grandparents come for a visit so I said I’ll just be busy with work or I’ll go hang out with friends.

I mean, they know about my transition, they just don’t know that I’m already taking steps to move forward.  All I know is that I am beyond frustrated and trying to figure out so many things.  School.  Living situations.  Work.  School and work.  Life.  My transition.  But just because someone does things that could be classified as feminine, it doesn’t make them a sissy.

And that only adds to the argument that it’s okay to be a boy, but not a girl.  I am so done with gender today.  I’m lying in bed with my hurting body and reading a book my boyfriend gave me and I’ll deal with gender tomorrow.

Queer Stuff.

So I was watching this TV show with my Mom because my Dad left for Colorado because my Granddad is sick so he left for an undetermined amount of time.  I started watching this TV show in September when it premiered because I saw all my friends watching it and they said I would love it. 

It’s about a gay couple that wants to have a baby. Cool, right?  And it’s all about how family is changing and how it’s normal for gay people to have kids.  See, look, we’re all normal here.  Normal actually is in the shows title.

But I’d been busy with life for a while.  So I got behind and my Mom and I were catching up, because although my Dad watches it, I don’t like watching it with him.  Because he thinks the show is funny, but he hates it if the characters are affectionate with each other in any way shape or form.  Like there was this one point and the last time I watched the show with him in the room, where they were kissing and he makes a I’m disgusted noise.  So I pause it and say, Dad, do you think it’s disgusting when two men kiss?  He didn’t really comment.  But I said, you realize I’m queer, right?  You are sending me the message that I’m disgusting.

Plus I end up ranting about the problem of how “gays” are represented in the media.  So, they really don’t like watching it with me.  But look at the shows where they actually have gay characters.  We’re the butt of jokes half the time.  Oh, and I’ll mention that most of the time when we are represented, it’s the G and L part of the community.  If transgender people are showed, it’s to make fun of us, or we’re killed.  It’s the same with bisexuals, and the umbrella, including pansexual, which is is how I’m identifying right now.  Like I know I prefer girls over boys, but I’m not the one to really be picky about gender.  It’s not an issue for me.  I don’t want anything to do with gender half the time anyway because I’m fighting so hard for my gender.  Plus, I have a boyfriend and I am happy with him, so whatever.  

Anyway, when bisexual people are actually mentioned, it’s with comments, usually from gay characters, about how they are greedy or going through a phase, or haven’t figured it out yet, or haven’t come all the way out yet.  Basically, it just adds fuel to the fire of the argument that bisexuality isn’t real.  Or we’re greedy.  Or we’ll cheat on you.  I have never once cheated on anyone.  I have, however, been cheated on, by lesbians and by straight boys, just saying.

So last nights episode, they were talking about getting married.  And I mean it was a good episode, but then one of the characters was like, well I’m a feminine man but no one really likes that.  And not even the trans* community wants anything to do with us.  I cannot speak for every trans* person, but what the heck?  You know what the trans* community does on a daily basis?  Fights for our rights to be seen as the people we are.

Like, Arizona recently passed a law where it’s illegal for me to use the bathroom of my gender because my legal gender is different.  My grandparents spend the winter in Arizona, and I told my Mom there was no way in hell that I would be going back to a state like that and she asked me, why are you so offended?  Why can’t you just suck it up and deal with it for a visit?

I said if they really want to see me, they can come here.  North Carolina isn’t much better, but at least I can go to the bathroom in the mens room without being arrested.  But I can be fired for being any part of the LGBT community.  As for the argument that not even trans* people want us, umm, from what I have seen, I have never seen that kind of behavior from anyone.  Like I said, we’re too busy trying not to end up a 50% murdered or dead from suicide.  It is that high.  We have the highest rate of suicide and murder out of any group in the spectrum.

And another thing, it really grinds my gears when the show is talking about how it’s the gay community and how they are perfectly normal, too.  Yeah, if I have a family, my family is different from straight family next door, but that’s not a bad thing.  Different perspectives are a good thing.  I agree that there is nothing wrong with being gay.  But I’m just saying, how hard is it to have a gay character, or hey, a bi character, or a trans* person, without us being the butt of the jokes, or feeding stereotypes.  Or saying it’s the “gay community” because we are all lumped together.  End rant.

Some Photos.

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Our Easter baskets.  The one on the left is Theo’s, the one on the right is mine.

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My 3rd day on T.  I’m not smiling because I want to see the changes in my face later on. That was the 20th of March.

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Valentines Day with Theo.  Pre-T.

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He is the one on the left and I’m on the right.  And we have to take pictures of us not in my car at night.

I will definitely be taking a photo 2 weeks from today when it’s been one month.

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My 21st birthday, November 2011.  This was 2 months before I came out.

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Protesting with my roommate last April when anti-gay people came to the college.  I’d been living as Blake for almost 3 months.

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This was March of 2012 and I’d been out for a month.  I didn’t have enough guy clothes because I can remember having to wear a girl shirt and being upset by it.

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Lobby day at the Minnesota State Capital last March.

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July of 2008.  I was on a mission trip in Pennsylvania, and my Mom likes to refer to this as one of my guy phases.

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The last picture of me living as Trish ever taken.  February of 2012.

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December of 2011.  My roommates and I. I continued to fuss about how long my hair was for all of December and January before I cut it a week before coming out.

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My roommates and I December of 2011, finals week.

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And me this summer holding a cat I didn’t get to keep.  June of 2012.  

I put a variety in here because I haven’t seen some of these in a long time, and to show where I used to be, to where I am now, and to show that growing up I had “guy phases”.  When I had “guy phases” was when I was happiest, for the record.

 

 

 

 

 

2 Weeks.

Today marks 2 weeks on T. I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks, but I’m excited and still feeling awesome, so I’m hoping in another 2 weeks, I’m still feeling awesome.  

This past weeks highlights include:

  • Had spring break.
  • Watched a ton of movies with my boyfriend.
  • Went out to dinner with him and his mother on Wednesday for his birthday (more on that one later).
  • Procrastinating on writing a short story for my writing class (I have 2 days left to submit it and I have nothing).
  • Easter with my boyfriend (more on this one later, too).

This weeks highlights include:

  • Meeting with my college advisor to see if I can transfer and not be screwed over, because my Mom is kind of okay with me moving out, and we’re all kind of uncomfortable about things, so I might be moving out in August like I thought.
  • Registering for summer classes.
  • Job orientation on Saturday morning at 8am.
  • Post op with my doctor tomorrow to make sure that surgery was effective and the stuff that caused my tumor last year and almost this year stayed gone.  I didn’t have a tumor this time, but it was headed that way, so that’s why I had my remaining ovary and my gallbladder taken out on the 5th of March.

So, updates on boyfriend stuff because it affects my life and ugh I know my parents are trying.  But here we go.

So Wednesday was his birthday, and he spent the day at my house and we watched a ton of Disney movies and just kind of hung out and I took him out to lunch (Taco Bell, which is a thing of ours).  But he knew he had to be home at 7 for dinner, so I dropped him off.  Well, I was attempting to leave when he runs out of the house and says you are invited to dinner.  So I asked him if he wanted me there, because we had kind of talked about it, and we’ve only been together for 2 months this Wednesday, so we weren’t sure if we should have me at his birthday dinner.  Especially when his Mom still calls him his birth name and gets hurt when other people (i.e ME) call him his preferred name but he decided he wanted me there.  So I told my Mom that I wouldn’t be home for dinner and she told me to play nice with the other kids in the sandbox.  READ: DO NOT MAKE A FUSS WHEN SHE MISGENDERS YOU OR YOUR BOYFRIEND.

So we decided to drive over in my car and both collectively freaked the heck out.  What do I call you at dinner?  Because I know you are this person, but I want your Mom to like me and I don’t want to start a fight at Red Lobster.  But this is your gender and I totally respect your gender.  So it resulted in a lot of gender neutral pronouns and not using any name.

His Mom calls me Blake because she doesn’t know what my birth name is.  But we got through it.  It was awkward though at the point when they brought out his birthday treat and asked him what his name was.  I could see him wanting to say Theo so bad and I just wanted him to, but I knew it wasn’t my place.  But I could see that he was dying to say it but he looked at me and then he looked at his Mom and said his birth name and I didn’t sing.  I didn’t sing because I knew he was freaking embarassed and because he is not Grace and he has never been Grace.  But only he noticed I didn’t sing and it wasn’t a big deal.

But I recognized that look because I have had that look a thousand times in the 14 months that I’ve been out.  Like at my birthday this year, we went to Red Robin (my parents and I) and I got a sundae and they kept saying my name is Trish and I wanted to go home and cry because all I wanted for my birthday was for my gender to be accepted.  

But we survived dinner.  We were leaving and he was walking me to my car and I said okay we are still alive, but how hard is it for the universe to understand we are boys?  And he apologized to me for his mother for her calling me a girl the entire time, and I said at least she uses my name.  But his Mom was kind of waiting so I hugged him and he kissed me and said it’s my birthday, she can deal with it.

Because she believes that gays are destroying the world.  She hasn’t officially said that, but basically has.

Which brings me to Easter.  I’m thinking I’ve totally blown it at dinner, right?  Well Saturday was his mothers birthday, so he told me that he had to spend the day with her, but that he could spend the night at my house and I could get him that night and then he had to be home by 6pm on Sunday for dinner with his family.  I picked him up and I knew my Dad was upset by it.  Which is stupid because my sisters boyfriend lived with us last summer and it was no big deal.

Before I left, he made the comment, I remember when you dated boys.  To which I tried not to yell, he is my boyfriend.  We are boys.  He is a boy.  I am dating a boy.  I left and picked him up and it was fine.  We ended up running to Walmart at midnight because we wanted mac and cheese while we were watching a movie which was a big mistake because it was like the zombie apocolypse in there but we got our mac and cheese and finished Easy A, started another movie, and fell asleep.  Which is where I thought I would be in trouble.  Because there was my boyfriend in my room all night.  But I didn’t.  We woke up at noon.  I thought oh gosh I am going to be in major trouble and my Dad isn’t exactly throwing me a party for dating you in general (my Dad’s preference would be straight cis male, ie not trans* boy).  But they were outside, and I stopped because on the counter were two Easter baskets, one for me, one for Theo.

So I said I’ll be right back and I left and asked my Mom what was up and wanted to know if they were going to kill me for the sleepover.  He was supposed to stay in the guest room.  Anyway, she said that’s for you and your boyfriend. So we went inside and had all the candy and watched another movie but left to take him home and it was tornado weather outside.  He was in the process of saying goodbye when his Mom runs out and said did you get my text because Blake is invited for dinner.

So he said okay please stay for dinner because you are like, my ally, and I want you to meet my brother, so I called home and said sorry I won’t be home for dinner but I’ll be home tonight and I’ll see you later.

We ended up playing board games while waiting for dinner, just the two of us, and it was fun.  The thing I love the most about my boyfriend, I think, is just how much we have in common.  Because we can play Uno for 3 hours and have it be totally fun.  So we survived another family dinner, and his brother asked me a few questions, like where I was from, because I don’t sound southern and Theo said he’s a Yankee and I said shut up okay gosh no pop for you.  But I survived and we played Uno with his Mom and it was good and I went home but his Mom said come back over for Christmas and I’ll make more food.

So for me thinking they didn’t like me (okay, they wish I was a “real boy”) I was invited back for Christmas.  I asked Theo about it, and he said, you don’t realize how in love we are and how obvious it is because we are too busy being in love with each other.  I said, I thought I toned that down in front of people.  Apparently, we are nauseating.

So it’s apparently obvious that I should be there for Christmas.  She called me she the entire time.  But I kept thinking that this kid is so worth it and even when I’m being misgendered constantly, and people mess up my name on a daily basis, there’s this boy going through the same thing, and he makes me insanely happy, even when being referred to as a she.  So he makes me feel better about it.

Sorry for the massive update today, but there is some insight on what happens when two trans* people start dating and have family dinners.  All the awkwardness.

I’ll just say one more thing.  You hear all the time that having someone date you is basically a charity.  Like, I’m doing you this huge favor by dating you because you are in the process of changing your gender.  With Theo, there is absolutely none of that.  And it’s not like we are dating because we are trans* and that’s what we have in common.  No, we are dating because we have like, everything in common, and he knows his Shakespeare (another joke of ours) and because it’s not a charity to date someone like us.  But I didn’t think I would ever find someone who understood that, so I’m happy and can put up with more awkward family dinners at Christmas, assuming we are still together.

I will probably update next week on Monday.  Take care.