Some Accomplishments

I’ve been on T for 3 months and 5 days.  I’m feeling pretty good.  I’ve been kicking butt in my online classes, and right now I have a 3.66 GPA for this semester.  In 3 online classes.  Hello there, Blake, look what happens when you get in a good place.

I have been studying my butt off.  I got a 4.0 last semester, and my GPA at the college is a 3.0 which is exactly what I needed to get into Middlesex.  I’ve applied, and sent off my writing portfolio, along with my personal statement and a resume.  I’m waiting on my reference from my English professor.  She told me that I would be a good candidate and that she has no problem doing my reference because I was one of her best students.

Which has been a pretty common story among my professors.  I am the only open transgender person on my college campus.  If I stay, they want me to start running trans* panels and the like, and getting some education for people.  I told them I would think about it, because I am kicking butt in school, and that obviously needs to continue.  Plus, I have no problems being trans* and being openly trans*, but I do not want to put myself into bad situations, or potentially bad situations.

I’ve had random people ask me, are you the trans* kid?  Well, yes, I am. Just here to get my books, or take a break at the gazebo before class.  Like, every time I go into the advising centre, I’m asked if I’m the trans* kid, and why I haven’t legally changed my name/gender yet.  Are you going to pay the 300 dollars for me to do it?  Then I’ll change it when I can change it.

So besides kicking butt in school, I’ve been working on a novel about a trans kid.  I started it in November, then finals hit, and then I started spring classes.  Then I started dating Theo, got sick, and now I’m editing it/redoing it.  Several people have asked me to write about trans kids and I thought, yeah, we’re pretty shunned in literature.  It would have been nice to read about a kid like me when I was in high school instead of a late night showing of Boys Don’t Cry.

I’ve also written a few articles, and they’re out there on the internet, which I think is pretty cool.  I’m currently writing another one about being trans* but not out in high school.  So when it is put up, I’ll post it here.

Also, here is the latest video.  Check out the changes in my voice.  I recorded it yesterday.  I’m going to try to do a video on Monday when I take my shot, because I think it would be fun to document.

Last Monday was interesting because in the history of me doing shots, it was the first one I did at home.  I have always done them at my friends house, or the one time I did it at my Grandma’s house.  My bathroom is not very well-suited for them, and here is why.  We have this little bathroom room where just the toilet is, and then a door, and then outside of the door is the rest of the bathroom, with the shower and the counter.  I have to set up shop on the counter, and because I inject into my thigh, clean off my leg, and grab my needle, then go sit on the toilet, and then leave all the supplies on the counter.  After, I have to not let gravity win as I try to get a band-aid on there.

So yeah, doing it at my friends house is easier.  Plus my parents refer to Mondays as T Day and my Dad gets awkward about it.  I also get more anxious on Sundays, as my cycle is going, and then on Monday nights I’m energetic and usually go running.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Speak soon.

-Blake

3 months on T.

Hey everyone.  Happy Thursday evening.  I come back from Myrtle Beach tomorrow, and then after I’ve finished doing several papers, I will update with some photos.

I have had a blast this week. I’m so glad I got to go on vacation.  I also got to see one of my trans* brothers from St. Cloud last Saturday, and it was really awesome.  Definitely worth the 5 hour drive one way.  I hadn’t seen him since before my surgery, I think since last Twin Cities Pride.  That was the last time I saw most of the people because I had surgery a week later.

Anyway, we talked, and he’s been on T for about a year and a half. He’s got a beard and his voice is a lot deeper, which makes me excited for the changes I’m going to see in about a year.  He also noticed a lot of changes in me.  It’s not as noticeable when you see me every day, but when you go a year without seeing me, it’s really obvious.

Even when I look at pictures from December to now, I notice changes.

Some of the changes I’ve made:

  • Deeper voice.
  • Voice cracks regularly.
  • Hairy.  Legs, arms, face.
  • More muscular.
  • Losing weight.
  • Certain body parts are changing.  I’ll leave it at that.
  • More intense emotions.
  • More comfortable in my skin.
  • My face has changed a little bit.  I look more masculine.
  • I am being read as sir a majority of the time.

I heard back from surgeons for my top surgery.  That’s where they remove my breasts.  If insurance helps me, I have to pay about 4,000$ and go to Boston.  I’m not sure what they covering, but at most, it’s only going to be half.

I can either do that or go to Florida where the guy is highly skilled and famous for doing top surgery.  But he doesn’t accept insurance.  I’m also looking at the University of Minnesota.  If I do it there, I can stay with my sister while I recover for about a week.  But I’m not sure if Minnesota accepts insurance.  I also have to find a way to finance it.

If insurance doesn’t cover any of it, I’m probably going to save up for several years trying to get it done in Florida.  I told my Mom I’m going to have surgery when I get approved and can afford it.  She’s not too happy about it.

I also bought a new frame with my name on it because when I was 4 my Mom went to San Francisco she got my sisters and I paintings with our names.  When I moved home, all three of them were hanging up in my room.  I got a new one with Blake on it.

Hopefully she’s not too upset with me about it. Also, health wise I’m doing a lot better.  But they still haven’t really figured out my abdominal issues.  I’ll do a video update when I get home.

Speak soon.

-Blake

Demons.

2 posts in one day?  What the heck?  No, but this is just a song I’ve been listening to a lot lately.  I think it’s one of those songs that help me express how I feel about my transition.

It’s called Demons by Imagine Dragons.  Definitely check them out, a lot of the songs are on my trans* playlist.  It’s like, 6 hours long now, and my Mom has listened to some of them, and that’s helped.

Like, when I was in high school, we were talking once about my depression and I just played a song for her and said that’s how I feel.  She has told me she’s never going to understand how I feel exactly.  She doesn’t experience gender dysphoria.  She’s never had someone dump her because she’s trans. I have.  So by playing songs for her, she understands how I’m feeling more.

 

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

When the curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you’ve made

Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it’s what you make
I say it’s up to fate
It’s woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save that light
I can’t escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

 
Basically, transitioning is difficult.  It’s definitely worth it, but it’s hard.  With dating, with school, with jobs, with your parents and your family and your friends.  It’s not so hard with friends that never knew the “old” you, but it’s hard with friends that did.  Not always, but sometimes.
 
I’ve lost a lot of friends since I came out.  I’ve also gained many more.  I think if people can’t accept me as Blake then they weren’t really meant to be in my life, but transitioning is hard.  I also have struggled with depression and things, and basically, I’ve got demons.  I’ve got scars.  I try so hard, and sometimes I feel like it’s not enough.  But this is my kingdom come.  This is how I save myself.  I have to be me.  But don’t forget, sometimes I hurt.

 

Photo Time, and a new video.

Hey everyone.  It’s that time again.  Here’s some new photos and videos.  You can view the video here, as well as my other ones.  I started making videos in August when I moved home, and we’re almost at a year since I’ve made videos.  I’m going to try to make videos every 2 weeks or so from here on out because it’s fun to look back on my transition and see the process, instead of just living it.

I leave for Myrtle Beach on Sunday.  I’m so excited.  I’m also seeing one of my trans* brothers from St. Cloud on Friday, I think, since he’s here visiting family.  I’m so excited.  I haven’t seen him since last year when I lived there.

And here’s some photos from the last month or so.

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This is me on the way to Richmond last month.

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The Poe Museum.

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Okay since I can’t caption all of these ones, here’s the gist.  A lot of the beach stuff is from Virginia Beach.  My friends and I took a detour and ended up spending the night and a day at Virginia beach after hanging out in Richmond for a few hours.  This was like the 2nd week in May, and I was on summer vacation.  I’m back in school now.

Then the next week we had my T party to celebrate me being on hormones, and the one year out.  My friends drew penises all over my cake and we decorated Madison’s house with it’s a boy decorations, I still have the bag and a balloon on my wall.  We were originally going to do my party in February when I was dating Theo, to celebrate me being out, but I wasn’t on T yet and I didn’t want to have 2 parties, and we could never coordinate schedules.

So my friends and I celebrated and I’m happy that it happened the way it did.

Then we’ve got some pictures of the trip up to Michigan, and how long my hair got since I hadn’t had it cut in 3 months.  The last time I had cut my hair was when Theo had cut it and then later convinced me to grow it out because my parents don’t like it when I have super short hair.

And then we’ve got pictures from Monday.  I can definitely tell my face has changed.

So here was the massive photo update and a video.

Hope everyone is doing well.

I’m going to go take a shower and find some “boy” summer clothes because it’s a lot easier to have my gender respected when I “look” like a man.  Basically, I’m going to shower and put on my cologne and bind and wear the only shorts I have, which I kind of hate, but I got them last year as a compromise.

MUST ADD MEN’S SHORTS TO THINGS I NEED.

Anyway, take care.

~Blake

Summer Plans.

I’m never home anymore.  I got back from Michigan on Tuesday night and went to my room and watched both Sherlock Holmes movies and cleaned, then spent most of Wednesday hanging out in my room, before going out with friends.  Didn’t come home after that until Friday when my Mom asked me to come home for the plumber being there in the morning.  My friend Madison cut my hair for the summer, and we booked our trip for Myrtle Beach.

I’m seeing a friend I’ve never met during Myrtle Beach.  We’ve talked since November.  She wants to be a tattoo artist and we have a lot of stuff in common and she is supportive about my transition, but I don’t want to date her because I’m not over my ex and dating someone when you are transitioning is just hard in general.

But one of the last days I was home, like for more than a few hours, was on Wednesday.  I stayed until I ate dinner then went back to Madison’s.  That’s where I’ve mostly been staying.  Anyway, on Wednesday I asked my Mom if I could book my next therapy session in Richmond.  I had to quit my job at Target because I might have Crohn’s disease.  So I asked her if she wanted to go with me, because we were talking about my name change, and how I haven’t told my Dad, because he gets really upset over it.

On Monday he saw me go to the bathroom at my grandparents house with my bag of needles and stuff and he just made a face.  He knows I’m on things and doing things and he said he doesn’t want to know about them. So I was in my Mom’s office with her just kind of filling her in on how I feel and things I’m trying to work on and about the trip to Michigan, and how I think the last family function I’m going to is going to be my cousin’s funeral, but I don’t know when it’s going to be yet, but probably at the end of the summer, because she has at most until August.  But I’ll call her and we’ll talk and stuff.  I have already been asked what I’m going to be wearing to the funeral.  I don’t really have nice formal guy clothes and I got rid of all of my dresses, so I don’t know what I’m going to wear.

But I was talking to my Mom and I said I get the feeling the family is ashamed of me because  they never call me Blake or whatever and I know it’s an adjustment, but then it also really hurt me when my Mom made a joke about my hair and always complains when I cut it.  So I said you make jokes at my expense when we are in public and you never call me Blake when we’re in public so I feel like you are ashamed of me and I get upset and I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not so I just don’t want to go to family functions anymore and she was like, well, I’m not ashamed.  But you are so angry and I said I’m angry because I just want things to go back to when I didn’t live at home and I could just call home once a week and it was no big deal how I dressed and the people I lived with all called me Blake and said I was a guy and then my Mom asked me if she could go to therapy with me since my therapist has offered to do sessions with my parents so that we can get me more support because I’m definitely flying solo.

Yeah, I’ve got my friends, and they are great, but this is why I’m never home anymore, because I don’t like feeling awkward or whatever.

And I’m just tired of my transition being an issue so my Mom and I are driving to Richmond, VA, in July.

I start summer classes on Monday.  And that’s about it.  I’m probably going home today though since my Dad is in Colorado this weekend seeing family.