You’re a Man Now, Stop Doing That.

I’ve heard many different statements like that in the nearly two years that I’ve been living as Blake.  I know it’s from well-meaning people that just want me to “pass” better.   But honestly, I’m doing things that I like to do, whether or not it is something that you think is acceptable for my gender.  I started seeing a new therapist last week, and we were talking about the gender spectrum and the binary.  I reject the gender binary, even though I identify as male.  In my heart of hearts, I know I am a man.  I know I don’t live up to what society dictates a man should be. 

I paint my nails.  Last Wednesday I went to classes in what is termed gender-fuck.  I was playing around with gender expression. It was fun.  Then a friend says, you know Blake, most men don’t go out in public like this.  If you want to be seen as male, you shouldn’t dress like that.

I know this person meant well.  In one conversation I had with my therapist, she said, I know lots of guys that paint their nails.  So do I. She told me that no one conforms to traditional gender roles one hundred percent.  She was right.  And I don’t want to conform all the time every time.

Also, statements like you’re a man now, don’t do that… Can I take a minute to talk about that statement, and statements I find all the time in transgender 101 guides.   There is no now.  I am not now a man.  I didn’t become a man at 21, when I came out.  I have always been male. I  didn’t wake up and decide to change genders.  I stopped living a lie, and finally felt like I love myself enough to do this, and live my life on my own terms.

Please stop telling me how to do my gender.  I know you mean well, but I don’t tell you how to present, or how to live out your gender.  There’s a lot of grey areas, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.

Boy, you’re gonna carry that weight a long time.

Yesterday was an experiment in suckville.  I had a job interview early in the morning that I drove an hour for.  They told me I couldn’t meet appearance standards.  Not to mention that I asked them to call me Blake right away, and they continued to use my birth name.  So I drove back home and let the dogs out before going to math class.  I felt sick the entire time.  I threw up earlier this week.  Abdominal pain.  I thought, this could be my liver, because I have liver problems from the six months I was on Vicodin and morphine before they did anything about my tumour.  So I left class feeling irritated because I felt sick and it was hard to focus.  Did I mention that I’m in a class that is only fractions and decimals, and those make my head spin.  I’m probably going to get a tutor, because now that I’m a member of the honours society (I have to be inducted soon, and that’s another thing that is upsetting me, but more on that one later) I have to keep my 3.0.  That and I need to keep it for Manchester next year.

I walked into urgent care since it was 4pm on a Friday.  I’ve been here before.  Again, it was non-stop use of my birth name.  The nurse called me back and I said it’s Blake.  Then she said oh they didn’t tell me.  I didn’t want to be rude, and I wasn’t trying to be, but at this point, I was fed up.  I said it’s in my file.  Or it should be.  Well, it wasn’t.  So after they took note of my symptoms, the doctor thought I was just suffering from being pregnant.  I laughed and said not unless I’m giving birth to Jesus. I  have no reproductive organs, and testosterone makes it to where you cannot be pregnant.  They even knew I am on testosterone, and they looked at me like I had three heads.  Why are you on that?  Umm because I’m a circus clown.  I explained, as I have EVERY TIME I GO TO THE DOCTOR, that I am transitioning.  Usually, at this point it registers for them to stop referring to me as a she and as Patricia.  Not this time.

They asked me if I had any surgery.  I have had 4.  I told them.  When I mentioned that I had a hysterectomy at 21, the doctor looked at me and I could tell he was sad.  He said, wow you are so young.  I explained that I had a tumour on my ovary, and it had all gone bad, and it was better for me to remove everything.  I didn’t explain that they split that surgery into two, because what did I know about wanting to get rid of everything at that age?  Not to mention the fact that I met every symptom of ovarian cancer in January of 2012, but they refused to take me seriously and look at my ovaries, and didn’t even find my tumour until 13 June 2012. Because I was a silly 21 year old girl just over reacting.  I told this doctor not to look all sad because I can’t have kids.  I can’t and I don’t want them and if I change my mind later, oh well, I can adopt.  But I know my body and I know what is right for my body.  Just because I don’t want to have kids does not mean that you can look at me sad because I made a decision that saved my life.  My Dad was more upset that I lost my ability to be a mother than the fact that I had a tumour.  Last Thanksgiving, he made it a point to tell my cousins that “she’s still got her eggs.”  I gave those up in March, when, surprise, surprise, my remaining ovary had gone rogue and was wreaking havoc.

They checked my liver.  It was fine.  I have a kidney infection.  I was in a lot of pain.  I was tired and irritated and it was about 6pm by the time I left.  They didn’t give me anything to help me with pain, just put me on medication, and as I was leaving, the doctor said feel better, young lady.

Not only is that misgendering me, which I am used to, it just made me feel worse.  I am nearly 23 years old.  I am hardly a young lady. I have been on hormones for over six months.  I have full on facial hair.  I sing bass in choir.  I am a man.  I look pretty masculine these days.  And even if I didn’t “look masculine” I told them that I am a man.  I told them that I am transitioning.  But no one really listens to me in a medical setting.  Or when I go to a job interview.

As for honours society.  I was asked to join Sigma Alpha Pi, the college’s honours society.  I have an induction ceremony.  My certificate is going to have my birth name on it because I can’t legally change my name until October because that’s when my licence says I’ve been here for one year.  The induction ceremony is in October.  So I’m trying to see if they will change it for me.

Hopefully.

Also, I found a local therapist and a local hormone doctor, so that puts an end to driving 3 or 5 hours for treatment.  I see my gender therapist on Tuesday.  It’s also a lot cheaper and I can see her regularly.

I Am Not Your Fetish.

I think if this is the one post you read from me and take it to heart, it would be this one.  It kind of relates to my posts about why you shouldn’t use the word Tranny.

I am not a fetish.  I am not a novelty.  I am not your experiment.  I am more than the fact that I am transgender.  I am more than what body parts I have, what surgeries I have had, or hadn’t, or if I will have them or not.  I am not someone you can objectify.  I am so sick of people finding out that I am trans* and saying things like these:

How do you have sex?  When can we have sex?  I’ve never had sex with a trans* person, but I’ve always wanted to.   Have you had surgery?  Are you going to?  When?  What surgeries?  What body parts do you have?

If you can’t see anything wrong with these statements, I’m sorry, but you are a sad excuse for a human being.  The problem with them:  I am more than what body part I have.  I am more than how I have sex, or when I have sex.  This is not a slut shaming post.  I don’t care if you want to have sex with 100 different people, or more, or less, or whoever.  I am not saying that being attracted to a trans* person is a bad thing.  What I am saying is, if one of our first conversations is about this, this is not okay.

Because it reduces me to what body part I have.  It reduces me to surgeries I may or may not have.  It reduces me to your experiment.  And quite frankly, one of the first conversations I ever have with you shouldn’t discuss any of this.  I am a human being.  I am not your experiment, or just someone you want to date because it’s a “cool thing to try.”  I have heard all of the above far too many times. 

And another thing, there is so much more to me than being trans*.  It is a part of me, and transitioning is something that is at the focus of my life right now.  I’m only 6 months on hormones, it’s a big issue.  But reducing me to that is disgusting.

Back to the Start. Kind of.

Monday was 6 months on T.  Congrats to me.  I was off a week on counting, but yeah, 6 months ago I started testosterone.  It’s been a crazy ride, but I’ve been loving it.  Today I did a 16 minute video on my vlog (look at me all fancy with a vlog) about gender and sexuality, and it’s kind of gender 101/sexuality 101.  But today I did not feel like discussing my transition as the main point of the video, and there has been a lot of misconceptions.

Also, with the problems I’ve been having in classes, and I went to student services, and they said that there wasn’t anything they could really do, because they aren’t going to do a diversity panel so I thought, I have a vlog and a blog so I thought, here is my platform, I’m going to speak.

I think I’m gong to do a video next time on the word queer, so look forward to that.

I tried to talk about pansexuality and bisexuality, kind of like that post I did a while back.  I don’t know how eloquent I was, but hey.  I tried.  It’s kind of hard to say EVERYTHING in one video or one blog post.

I’m still working on the name change.  I’m also working on being healthier.  My friend and I are going to NC Comic Con in November.  I want to dress up as a male character.  I don’t know which one I’ll do yet.  But I’ll definitely post pictures. 

I’m more comfortable in my skin.  Every day I’m feeling better in my body, and feeling more at home, and less dysphoric.

I recently went to fight for the college to update its discrimination policy to include gender identity and sexuality.  Last week I was told that they weren’t going to update it because that’s “special treatment.”  I’m not giving up yet though.  This is a fight I believe in and I’m not going to just lay down and accept my fate.

You can see the video here.