Yesterday was an experiment in suckville. I had a job interview early in the morning that I drove an hour for. They told me I couldn’t meet appearance standards. Not to mention that I asked them to call me Blake right away, and they continued to use my birth name. So I drove back home and let the dogs out before going to math class. I felt sick the entire time. I threw up earlier this week. Abdominal pain. I thought, this could be my liver, because I have liver problems from the six months I was on Vicodin and morphine before they did anything about my tumour. So I left class feeling irritated because I felt sick and it was hard to focus. Did I mention that I’m in a class that is only fractions and decimals, and those make my head spin. I’m probably going to get a tutor, because now that I’m a member of the honours society (I have to be inducted soon, and that’s another thing that is upsetting me, but more on that one later) I have to keep my 3.0. That and I need to keep it for Manchester next year.
I walked into urgent care since it was 4pm on a Friday. I’ve been here before. Again, it was non-stop use of my birth name. The nurse called me back and I said it’s Blake. Then she said oh they didn’t tell me. I didn’t want to be rude, and I wasn’t trying to be, but at this point, I was fed up. I said it’s in my file. Or it should be. Well, it wasn’t. So after they took note of my symptoms, the doctor thought I was just suffering from being pregnant. I laughed and said not unless I’m giving birth to Jesus. I have no reproductive organs, and testosterone makes it to where you cannot be pregnant. They even knew I am on testosterone, and they looked at me like I had three heads. Why are you on that? Umm because I’m a circus clown. I explained, as I have EVERY TIME I GO TO THE DOCTOR, that I am transitioning. Usually, at this point it registers for them to stop referring to me as a she and as Patricia. Not this time.
They asked me if I had any surgery. I have had 4. I told them. When I mentioned that I had a hysterectomy at 21, the doctor looked at me and I could tell he was sad. He said, wow you are so young. I explained that I had a tumour on my ovary, and it had all gone bad, and it was better for me to remove everything. I didn’t explain that they split that surgery into two, because what did I know about wanting to get rid of everything at that age? Not to mention the fact that I met every symptom of ovarian cancer in January of 2012, but they refused to take me seriously and look at my ovaries, and didn’t even find my tumour until 13 June 2012. Because I was a silly 21 year old girl just over reacting. I told this doctor not to look all sad because I can’t have kids. I can’t and I don’t want them and if I change my mind later, oh well, I can adopt. But I know my body and I know what is right for my body. Just because I don’t want to have kids does not mean that you can look at me sad because I made a decision that saved my life. My Dad was more upset that I lost my ability to be a mother than the fact that I had a tumour. Last Thanksgiving, he made it a point to tell my cousins that “she’s still got her eggs.” I gave those up in March, when, surprise, surprise, my remaining ovary had gone rogue and was wreaking havoc.
They checked my liver. It was fine. I have a kidney infection. I was in a lot of pain. I was tired and irritated and it was about 6pm by the time I left. They didn’t give me anything to help me with pain, just put me on medication, and as I was leaving, the doctor said feel better, young lady.
Not only is that misgendering me, which I am used to, it just made me feel worse. I am nearly 23 years old. I am hardly a young lady. I have been on hormones for over six months. I have full on facial hair. I sing bass in choir. I am a man. I look pretty masculine these days. And even if I didn’t “look masculine” I told them that I am a man. I told them that I am transitioning. But no one really listens to me in a medical setting. Or when I go to a job interview.
As for honours society. I was asked to join Sigma Alpha Pi, the college’s honours society. I have an induction ceremony. My certificate is going to have my birth name on it because I can’t legally change my name until October because that’s when my licence says I’ve been here for one year. The induction ceremony is in October. So I’m trying to see if they will change it for me.
Also, I found a local therapist and a local hormone doctor, so that puts an end to driving 3 or 5 hours for treatment. I see my gender therapist on Tuesday. It’s also a lot cheaper and I can see her regularly.